Scammed?

http://scrippsnews.com/content/parents-cant-prevent-theft-dead-childrens-id

We got a letter from the IRS today saying that someone else tried to claim one of our dependents on their tax return. This issue had come up around the time we had filed our return; however, we kind of assumed it was Nick's mom because of the negative history we had with her. Never did I figure it would be someone stealing the identity of our dead baby and exploiting his death for their own personal gain. I guess this makes me naive. I don't know. We don't have enough to deal with, worry about, remind us, struggle with? The above article discusses some of the challenges that exist currently. There are some more recent articles about some things Congress is trying to do. But in the meantime, on a personal level, we have to spend the time proving to the IRS that we had the right to claim Cam on our taxes. Really? Because that's how I want to spend my time...

Nick's Journal Prompt

Everyday at school, Nick's class has journaling prompts. One day, the prompt was lost. Here is Nick's response (typed exactly as he wrote it):

When I lost Camren I was sad when he died in his cradl. A few seconds later I heard my mom crying and I saw a police man stand in front of them. He got buried him in the dirt but he was still alive he was in the clouds. he was our little angel and I have a bracelet says our little angel cameron.

The three year old brain

Cam has been on our brains. All of our brains. More than usual I think. But this is understandable since we are very quickly approaching the anniversary date of losing Cam. I always hated using the word anniversary for a death because I like to think of anniversaries as being happy occasions. But for lack of a better word, that's what I'm using today.

Cam has been on our brains and this is how I know: JR and I have been having major waves of sadness. Alex talks about him whenever something happens related to babies, someone having a baby or when he sees a baby. Nick has been talking about him too.

When Alex sees a pregnant woman or a baby on tv or in person he often says, "My mommy has a baby. His name is Cam." Or "We have a baby Cam." I often find myself amazed by his memory of Cam. We don't shy away from the topic around here but we don't make it the center of our conversations most days either. Alex often seems to sense when we need a pick me up or when the tone of the room is kind of sad and we need a hug or cuddle. That's a lot of pressure he seems to have put on himself.

Typically when he brings Cam up, we have a conversation about Cam being gone and how he's now our angel. I often tell Alex that he can talk to Cam whenever he needs to and Cam will hear him. I tend to ask myself if he knows what I'm saying or my mom and I will have conversations about whether or not he understands what we are saying.

Then last night, he and I were laying in bed watching tv and on the show, there was a pregnant woman. He put his Taggie up his shirt and said, "Mommy, I have a baby." I said something to effect, "aww, that's sweet" and kept watching. A little bit later, he looked straight at me (and let me know exactly how much he gets) and said, "Mommy, I want Cam back." Me too sweetheart, me too.

September!

In the past month, so many things have happened:

• We moved to another state
• We got all settled in at our new house
• JR got a new job
• Nick started a new school
• Nick put his hand through a glass pane on the classroom door and got five stitches
• Nick joined choir at a community church by his school
• I got a new job
• I had a two day break down and some reflection time from missing Cam
• I lost 12 pounds
• I learned to sew pillows

And many other little things. We are super happy with our move and feel content. We miss our Indy peeps but have lots of visits planned out for the next month. Happy September!

He says it's okay.

As many of you avid readers know, in the beginning of September, we moved to Michigan. During my previous  post, I spent some time spelling out my fears for this move. Most of them centered around Cam. I was worried that moving might leave a part of him behind and we might no longer feel the connection we have had to him. The Wednesday before we moved, my mom and JR came to the house to sign the lease so JR could enroll Nick in school that day. I was interviewing for a job during this time. After signing the lease, JR and my mom came out to the house and walked through it one more time. We had previously walked through the house a couple of different times; however, we had never checked out the shed. JR went into the shed to check it out and see the space, etc. In the shed, JR discovered many shelves. Along one of the top shelves, he saw something kind of sticking out. He reached up to see what was up there and it happened to be a porcelain angel figurine. The only thing left in the shed besides some paint cans was the angel. I guess Cam says it's okay. He's still here and he approves of the move.

Sometimes no matter what you do...

...nothing makes you feel better and life is a black hole. Sorry for the depressing start; however, lately I just miss him so much. I know that's normal, but it's still hard to bear on certain days. Sometimes I want to cry and scream and kick my feet. I want to punch someone or something. I want to yell that it's just not fair. I want to ask "why me?" I want to do all of those things, but I know doing those things will not make me feel better. I think part of it is fear and anticipation. I am so excited to be moving and so excited to be having a fresh start, but deep down a little part of me is hoping we don't lose a little bit of him. The part that makes the orbs in the pictures or the part that talks to Nick sometimes or the part that gives me the warm feeling that he is still here. On the flip side, I will be able to "visit" him at his grave any time I want. So to help me remember, he is always with me no matter where I am,  I am going to share this poem my cousin gave to us at the funeral:

In Your Heart:

Please mommy, don't cry, do not be sad.

Treasure the time however short we had.

I miss you too, but I can feel your love.

Even up here, flying, like a little dove.

I know it seems scary, and you feel all alone. 

No one can ever replace me, I was your own.

Your sadness means I was loved every day.

Though you can't see me, beside you I lay.

It takes so much courage, for you to go on.

I know our time together wasn't very long.

But you now will be stronger for knowing me.

It will be okay some day mommy, you will see.

In the times that are hard, remember I am here.

Never far from you watching, always very near.

It isn't fair we have to live so far away.

But don't worry, I hear everything you say.

I am with you with every step you take.

Sending reminders I love you, for your sake.

I grew in your womb but then slipped away. 

Instead now forever in your heart I will stay.

To go with the same idea, another story to let you know he is always here. In addition to the orbs, we have had other things happen to us off and on throughout the months that are kind of like flukes that put him in the forefront of our brains. 

One of the first notable incidents of this was during our trip to Florida. We were shopping at the outlet mall in Foley, Alabama. At the Old Navy outlet, I bought a pair of sandals. While the clerk was checking me out, I was watching the little screen to make sure everything rang up on sale like it was supposed to. She scanned  a pair of sandals I was purchasing. On the screen, it came up "Cameron". Startled, I thought to myself, "hey little buddy, you're always with me." Then I was made sure I was reading the screen correctly. It definitely said Cameron. I chalked it up to the style of the sandal and left the store a little more alert. I have since been in several Old Navy stores and looked on the website. No where anywhere does it describe that type of sandal as Cameron. That is not the name of the sandal, the name of the style, the name of the color, there is not any Cameron anywhere. Weird? Maybe. Fluke? Probably. Does it leave me comforted? When I need to be. I wear those sandals regularly and when I'm looking for them, everyone knows them as the "Cam sandals"

He punches the ghosts

This is another good one from Nick. He definitely has some great insights. I love how kids think and can just say what's on their mind. :)

Last weekend, we were up north driving from the restaurant to my parents' house. If you are used to that area, you know there aren't many streetlights and there are tons of trees so it can seem pretty dark at night. An observation that Alex has picked up on as you can tell from the following conversation I had with Nick and Alex in the car:

Alex: Mommy, it's dark outside.

Me: Yes, I know, but it's okay.

Alex: I'm scared of the dark.

Me: Alex, honey, there's nothing to be scared of. Mommy is here with you and we are in the car. 

Alex: No, I'm scared of the ghosts.

Me: Honey, there's no ghosts sweetie, it's okay. You don't have to be scared.

Nick: Don't worry Alex, Cameron punches the ghosts. He's our Angel.

Me: That's right guys. There's nothing to worry about. (Said with tears in my eyes.)

As a follow up, this information must have stayed with Alex because a few nights later, he was nervous about going to bed and I heard him tell himself, "It's okay, Cam punches the ghosts." We didn't have anymore problems from him for the night.

His birthdays are really fast.

Two weeks ago, I was picking up Nick from a 3 week long visit with his grandfather. The ride back from getting him is about 45 minutes. These minutes tend to give us some quality chat time when Nick is int he mood. Throughout the trip Nick would randomly exclaim, "I missed you so much." "I'm so happy." During the second round of I'm so happy, I asked him, "What are you happy about this time?" This is how our conversation went after I asked him,


Nick: "I get to see Alex and Cameron"
Me: "Cameron?"
Nick: "Yeah, I talk to him in the sky."
Me: "You do?"
Nick: "Yeah, he's bigger now."
Me: "You know his birthday was last Friday"
Nick: "Yeah, his birthdays are fast now. He's bigger, like 4 or 5."
Me: "They are? So do you talk to him when you are at home at our house?"
Nick: "Yeah, something like that."


And with that, he was done with the conversation. And honestly, I was pretty silenced.

ABC's--Z

Z is for Zen

I"m not sure I ever actually enter into a meditative state; however, there are things in my life that help me find peace. I think finding peace, serenity, relaxation, zen, whatever form it may be is important. All the time throughout grad school and in trainings, conferences and meetings, people are always talking about taking time for yourself, and making sure you de-stress so it doesn't get too overwhelming and you can be a great therapist or a great whatever it is you do. For a long time I didn't put much stock into those suggestions. I kind of brushed it off. I never saw the importance in what people were telling me. At some point, maybe I matured or something else, I realized it's okay to relax, de-stress and feel good about yourself. 

So I am mandating that you find your zen, relaxation or peace whether you are a stay at home, a therapist, behaviorist, nurse, doctor, teacher, retail worker, restaurant worker, or whatever it is you do...FIND SOME TIME FOR YOU. You can only be the best you if you are taking care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to everyone around you. 

ABC's-Y

Y is for Yes!

Yes, I finally did it. You all asked for it and here it is. I've created a business page on Facebook. If you look over to the right on this blog, you can like my page on Facebook. I'm excited to have fans to even if my stuff isn't your style, like it anyways and maybe you know someone who is a fan of my stuff and it is their style. My mom has joined forces with me and is now a part of Cam's Creations. She uses sewing as her creative/therapeutic outlet and makes AWESOME pillows. There will be pillows on the website too. Soon will be our own website and/or etsy website. I'm taking it step by step and this point. So hang in there as you have done all along thus far. :) Feedback is much appreciated.

One of my main goals to offer personal preferences. So although, you will be able to purchase a lot of what you see, you will also be able to request special colors, styles etc. Let me know what you think. I am very excited!

ABC's--X

X is for X-ray.

Cop-out? Maybe, but I'd like you to come up with an X word that fits into my semi-theme.

If there were a special X-ray on my brain, what thoughts would it pick up?

1. Currently I'm extremely frazzled about moving. This is only because we have tons to do before we go and it's hard to prioritize. I think anyone who is in the process of moving feels this way.
2. The love your children is something so indescribable, it's amazes me more every day. There are days when I can watch the boys do something and I literally fill like my heart is growing because whatever it is they are doing at the time makes me so proud.
3. Cameron. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him.
4. Grief and some stage of the process. Whoever said time makes it easier was a big fat liar.
5. Sometimes it's okay to be immature and say things like big fat liar.
6. I need to learn to put my needs first. Something everyone has been telling me to do pretty much my whole life but something I'm just now figuring out.
7. Even though I'm creative and I love making things, sometimes I get over-inspired and frazzled because I have too many ideas in my head at one time. During these moments, I often have to walk away.
8. Life is a puzzle and it's exhausting trying to solve it.

ABC's--W-redo

Apparently I have some critics uh I mean readers out there who were not so happy with my W post. They actually told me that my previous W post was a cop out and didn't actually count. So, since I like to try to make others happy, I am re-doing W.

W is for whispers, wishes and wondering and waiting.

Often, I find myself wishing to hear a whisper in the wind letting me know that my little one is out there with me. That he still exists in some form and that he's watching me. I tend to wonder what he would be like now. I wish that things could be different. I wonder what I ever did to deserve this. I whisper to him in the dark hoping he hears all the wonderful things I have to say to him. I wait to find my purpose. I wonder about going on and wish for the strength to keep positive and continue on daily. I wait for my inspiration and wish for others to learn from my experiences. I whisper my "I love yous" to my family so I have no regrets. I wonder what our future will hold and hold out hope that our wishes can come true. I wait for sanity because some days it's all I can wish for.

ABC's--W

W is for Wee as in wee little ones. A lot of the stuff I make is baby oriented. Probably because I have lots of babies and mommas in my life to test out the products on. One of my most recent wee little one projects was a personalized nursery item for my boss' baby Callan. The papers and accessories are to coordinate with the Forest Friends Nursery theme.

ABC's--V

V is for Victory.

I started creating things (you have seen my pictures on Facebook or in this blog in a previous post) to keep my mind off my grief. I have sold some of my stuff to co-workers, friends, etc. I took my items to the farmer's market at Skip's. People tell me my stuff is cute, but I've gone back and forth on whether or not I want to sell my stuff with a website or at the market more often, etc.

On 4th of July weekend, I gave a headband to my niece. I gave her a job to wear it when she could and tell people I made it for her. Apparently, today while she was out with her mom, a woman stopped her and asked where she got the headband. She told the lade that her aunt made it for her.

The lady owns a boutique in their town and said if I got in touch and was interested, she would like to sell my stuff in her boutique! So I call this my victory.

ABC's--U

U is for Undecided.

So many decisions to make. So much indecision which leaves me undecided.

ABC's--T

T is for Time.

Whoever said that all it takes is time was full of a bunch of BS.

Time is the enemy. Time is a constantly ticking reminder that this "new" life without a huge part of you is REAL and not just some nightmare you thought you were experiencing.

Time is a reminder of all those things you are missing out on.

Time is sometimes stretched out in front of you and becomes such a struggle to survive the next seconds, minutes and hours because you are too sad to move on.

Time does NOT make it easier, Time does NOT make it better.

Time can; however, show you that you can survive even if you take each second as they come. But please don't tell me that time will make it better or time will heal things because I might explain to you the contrary.

ABC's--S

S is for SILLY!!!

When all else fails, just be silly...

And sometimes it takes a few great kids to show you the way!