Cam has been on our brains. All of our brains. More than usual I think. But this is understandable since we are very quickly approaching the anniversary date of losing Cam. I always hated using the word anniversary for a death because I like to think of anniversaries as being happy occasions. But for lack of a better word, that's what I'm using today.
Cam has been on our brains and this is how I know: JR and I have been having major waves of sadness. Alex talks about him whenever something happens related to babies, someone having a baby or when he sees a baby. Nick has been talking about him too.
When Alex sees a pregnant woman or a baby on tv or in person he often says, "My mommy has a baby. His name is Cam." Or "We have a baby Cam." I often find myself amazed by his memory of Cam. We don't shy away from the topic around here but we don't make it the center of our conversations most days either. Alex often seems to sense when we need a pick me up or when the tone of the room is kind of sad and we need a hug or cuddle. That's a lot of pressure he seems to have put on himself.
Typically when he brings Cam up, we have a conversation about Cam being gone and how he's now our angel. I often tell Alex that he can talk to Cam whenever he needs to and Cam will hear him. I tend to ask myself if he knows what I'm saying or my mom and I will have conversations about whether or not he understands what we are saying.
Then last night, he and I were laying in bed watching tv and on the show, there was a pregnant woman. He put his Taggie up his shirt and said, "Mommy, I have a baby." I said something to effect, "aww, that's sweet" and kept watching. A little bit later, he looked straight at me (and let me know exactly how much he gets) and said, "Mommy, I want Cam back." Me too sweetheart, me too.
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