Sometimes no matter what you do...

...nothing makes you feel better and life is a black hole. Sorry for the depressing start; however, lately I just miss him so much. I know that's normal, but it's still hard to bear on certain days. Sometimes I want to cry and scream and kick my feet. I want to punch someone or something. I want to yell that it's just not fair. I want to ask "why me?" I want to do all of those things, but I know doing those things will not make me feel better. I think part of it is fear and anticipation. I am so excited to be moving and so excited to be having a fresh start, but deep down a little part of me is hoping we don't lose a little bit of him. The part that makes the orbs in the pictures or the part that talks to Nick sometimes or the part that gives me the warm feeling that he is still here. On the flip side, I will be able to "visit" him at his grave any time I want. So to help me remember, he is always with me no matter where I am,  I am going to share this poem my cousin gave to us at the funeral:

In Your Heart:

Please mommy, don't cry, do not be sad.

Treasure the time however short we had.

I miss you too, but I can feel your love.

Even up here, flying, like a little dove.

I know it seems scary, and you feel all alone. 

No one can ever replace me, I was your own.

Your sadness means I was loved every day.

Though you can't see me, beside you I lay.

It takes so much courage, for you to go on.

I know our time together wasn't very long.

But you now will be stronger for knowing me.

It will be okay some day mommy, you will see.

In the times that are hard, remember I am here.

Never far from you watching, always very near.

It isn't fair we have to live so far away.

But don't worry, I hear everything you say.

I am with you with every step you take.

Sending reminders I love you, for your sake.

I grew in your womb but then slipped away. 

Instead now forever in your heart I will stay.

To go with the same idea, another story to let you know he is always here. In addition to the orbs, we have had other things happen to us off and on throughout the months that are kind of like flukes that put him in the forefront of our brains. 

One of the first notable incidents of this was during our trip to Florida. We were shopping at the outlet mall in Foley, Alabama. At the Old Navy outlet, I bought a pair of sandals. While the clerk was checking me out, I was watching the little screen to make sure everything rang up on sale like it was supposed to. She scanned  a pair of sandals I was purchasing. On the screen, it came up "Cameron". Startled, I thought to myself, "hey little buddy, you're always with me." Then I was made sure I was reading the screen correctly. It definitely said Cameron. I chalked it up to the style of the sandal and left the store a little more alert. I have since been in several Old Navy stores and looked on the website. No where anywhere does it describe that type of sandal as Cameron. That is not the name of the sandal, the name of the style, the name of the color, there is not any Cameron anywhere. Weird? Maybe. Fluke? Probably. Does it leave me comforted? When I need to be. I wear those sandals regularly and when I'm looking for them, everyone knows them as the "Cam sandals"