Cameron
Dear Cameron,
What can I say? It seems so obvious and almost cliche to start with I miss you. It seems like saying those words are not doing my feelings any justice. It's almost laughable how inadequate the words are actually. But, alas, I'm going to say them anyway. My little Camburger, I miss you so much. I think of you each and every day. I miss you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. I miss your little face and chubby cheeks. I miss your sweet sweet smile. I miss your crying. I miss your cute little attitude. Hard to believe at 3 months old, we could distinguish that you had an attitude, but it's true you did. I wonder every day what you would be discovering and learning now. You would be 9 1/2 months. Such a fun age. I bet you would have grown into such a handsome little boy. Would you be crawling now? Would you be pulling up on things? Would you have a favorite toy, book, joke etc? Would you still have your chubby little cheeks?
How are you doing up there wherever you are? Is grandpa taking good care of you? Are you guys getting along? Is he teaching you all of the wonderful things he knows? Has he told you any of his great (albeit slightly corny) jokes? One of my favorites, "What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?" Weee!
I know, Cam, that you are with me so much of the time. I can feel it. I guess that's a Mommy thing huh? There are things that you do to show you're with me too. There's the time with the sandals in Florida. And the orbs in so many of our pictures now. I talk to you all of the time. Do you hear me? Is it silly to ask a baby these questions? Will I ever get my answers?
You were here for such a short time, but in that time, you touched so many people. I have talked to so many parents who have told me stories about how they have become better parents. Others have told me that they are acting differently or taking more chances or doing things differently. Isn't it amazing that you helped make those people better? Isn't it wonderful that you made so much wonderful change in people, some of whom didn't even meet you?
Have I told you yet that they are able to use one of your heart valves? Last I checked they didn't have a recipient yet but they are going to wait until the perfect little person comes along to use it. Isn't surreal that you might be able to save another baby? I will keep checking to let you know when it happens.
I'm glad you were able to accomplish so much in your short, precious life, little Camburger. I'm glad we are able to make as many positives out of this as possible, but sometimes it doesn't matter. It will never make up for the fact that you are gone. It will never give me another day with you. I will never get to see another smile. And sometimes, my little angel, it's just not fair. One day we will see each other again. Wait for me, my sweet little boy.
Love,
Mommy
*sigh* I miss him too. Not a day goes by that I don't, nor does a day go by that I don't think of him or ask God to send him back to us. There is no answer that is exceptable to why he was taken away from us. You could tell me it was to save the world, it wouldn't have been a good enough answer. I miss my son, I miss my baby boy, I miss everything that was him and in no way can he ever be replaced. When he arrived, he was made of all the good things from both of us. I wish I could have taken his place so he could have a chance at life. That's all he deserved. I am sad.
ReplyDeleteI feel everything you feel, my sweet daughter and JR. We miss him, too and will never understand why he was taken from us, but I guess it's not for anyone to understand when unexpected death happens.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartfelt letter to Cameron. Can you post some of the pictures with the orbs in them? How amazing and touching.
ReplyDeleteC: Cameron.
Dear Cameron:
I did not know you. I knew your mommy from college. She worked in the bookstore and was a part of a pretty cool group called CPB...or something that I can't remember now! (sorry!)I don't see your mommy now, as we live in different places. I remember she was a leader, she stood out, she took charge, and she was kind. One of my first memories of school are with her. I attended one of the meetings for that cool club, and she was there. She was nice to me and she smiled. I felt welcome. Now I know your mommy through internet communications. She created an event (a celebration) for your memory, after you left. I'm sure there were many people there. You are so loved. I have 2 little boys of my own. I bet you would have been good buddies if you ever met them. My life has been touched through your story, and from your mommy telling it. I take the time to calm myself in times of stress when my boys are screaming and crying...and just breathe in their presence. And I am grateful that they are in the backseat, screaming and crying. I know your mommy and daddy and family would do anything to bring you back. I would too if I knew. Again, I didn't know you...but now I feel like I know a little-through your mommy's words and pictures. So, thank you for letting me get to know you and for making me stop and think...and to change...and to be grateful. You are so loved, and always will be.