ABC's--J

J is for jaded.

I try to be positive every day. I try to take something new from everything I do. I try to learn soemthing from everyone I meet. But sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I want to be mad. Sometimes I want to be upset. Sometimes I want to give mean looks. I think this whole thing with Cam has made me jaded and I can't help it.

Now that I've vented, I can go on for the day and keep the more positive side of me forward. :)

ABC's--I

I is for Inspiration.

I look for inspiration everywhere. I try to take inspiration from those around me. I take inspiration from nature. I use books for inspiration. I am inspired by others' dreams and ambitions. Inspiration sometimes finds me when I least expect it to. I am inspired by so many things because I try to be open to new ideas and thoughts everyday. If I'm not, then the world becomes a boring place.

What are your inspirations?

ABC's H

H is for Hope.

• I hope to find some joy no matter how small in each day.
• I hope to find peace with Cam's death one day. 
• I hope that I set positive influences for my children. 
• I hope that my boys grow up to be wonderful young men.
• I hope the sadness continues to ease more each day.
• I hope to make a difference in the world.
• I hope to be able to love myself unconditionally one day.
• I hope to enjoy my passions but not so much that they become work.
• I hope to learn from others.
• I hope to stay around for a long time to watch the new and amazing things my boys do each and every day.
• I hope to see true good in the world.
• I hope to learn that they are able to use Cam's heart valve to save another baby.
• I hope to inspire others to be better.
• I hope to be out of debt one day.
• I hope to continue growing in my career.
• I hope to learn more and more everyday.
• I hope you enjoy each day to the fullest.

ABC's---G

G is for Grief


Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss.


I often take definitions from somewhere on the internet of the words I have chosen for my blog. I do this because I like to compare the "true" definition of the word to my definition of the word. 


So anyway, up there is the definition of grief. The most important thing about this definition for me is that it is truly multi-faceted. I have said many times I can't believe how much grief hurts physically. 


There are some days when the pain of my grief makes me literally drop to my knees or double over. How is this fair? I mean it hurts everywhere else already, why do I have to bear the physical pain also? 


Cognitively, grief sucks any semblance of togetherness you may have. My friends and I often joke about "mommy brain". It's a real thing. Don't knock it. It's like the second you get pregnant and that little bean starts taking all of your nutrients, you lose a large chunk of your previous brain functioning. Well, unfortunately, grieving brain is much worse. You can be talking to someone, or working on something and all of a sudden your brain just stops working. It's so frustrating.


I found this letter on another website written by a mom to her grief. I think it speaks a lot of truth:
Dear Grief,
I guess we are stuck together, you and I. You are my most constant connection to my son. Without you, it is hard to see him. His memory brings you; you bring his memory. In my mind's eye, you and he walk hand in hand.
Some people would say it is time to let you go. But I would rather live with you, and with my memories, than live without both.
In a way, I am grateful to you, Grief. But my son should be holding my hand, not yours. 


Here is my letter to grief.


Dear Grief,
You suck. I shouldn't have to face you every day. Please give me a break.

ABC's--F

F is for Friends

Thank you to all of our amazing friends who have been there for us. Without you, we would not be doing nearly as well as we are. Thank you for all of your support, guidance, help, love , laughs, etc. Thank you thank you thank you.

I've been waiting awhile to use this picture. One of my littlest buddies. Love her!

ABC's--E

E is for Embrace

–verb (used with object

1.to take or clasp in the arms

2. to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.

3. to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity.

I wonder what/who have you embraced today? I hope you can answer that you have embraced may people, and many different things. Last night, on a Friday night, we stayed at home and relaxed. Around 9:30 Alex said that he wanted to go potty. Now, I should probably preface this with saying that potty training is definitely hit or miss at our house. It is also definitely on Alex's terms. If it is our idea, then he wants nothing to do with it. But when he brings it up, we most certainly encourage him to "do his business." So he ran to the bathroom and said "I need to poop" Long story short, we let him sit there for many minutes until...finally...he pooped in the potty. We were so proud. We jumped up and down, we called sweetie and papa and we celebrated. It was at this point that I realized, I've completely and wholly embraced parenthood. I mean who else gets excited about poop? Only those who have embraced this point in their lives.

Here are some other things I like to embrace:

• My family
• hard work
• creativity
• my favorite shows
• color
• style
• laughter
• pictures
• having fun
• my grief
• finding a good deal
• being a good therapist
• feeling good about myself
• playing

So I ask, what/who have you embraced today?

ABC's--D

D is for Daddy

• My dad is such a hard worker
• He can do anything and if he can't, he's going to work really hard at it until he's cussing and then he'll figure it out anyway
• My dad has a wonderful sense of humor. Some of my best memories with my dad are those where we have shared great laughs
• My dad has passed on many of his loves including golf, the Cubs, the Bears, food, being outside with the birds, working hard
• I love when my dad tells me his stories about when I was little. Some of my favorites are about he and I driving together listening to the Cubs. 
• My dad has a wonderful connection with Alex and I wouldn't take that away from either one of them EVER. I love watching them build a bond.
• I love you dad. Thanks for helping make me the person I am today.

ABC's--C

Cameron

Dear Cameron,

What can I say? It seems so obvious and almost cliche to start with I miss you. It seems like saying those words are not doing my feelings any justice. It's almost laughable how inadequate the words are actually. But, alas, I'm going to say them anyway. My little Camburger, I miss you so much. I think of you each and every day. I miss you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. I miss your little face and chubby cheeks. I miss your sweet sweet smile. I miss your crying. I miss your cute little attitude. Hard to believe at 3 months old, we could distinguish that you had an attitude, but it's true you did. I wonder every day what you would be discovering and learning now. You would be 9 1/2 months. Such a fun age. I bet you would have grown into such a handsome little boy. Would you be crawling now? Would you be pulling up on things? Would you have a favorite toy, book, joke etc? Would you still have your chubby little cheeks? 

How are you doing up there wherever you are? Is grandpa taking good care of you? Are you guys getting along? Is he teaching you all of the wonderful things he knows? Has he told you any of his great (albeit slightly corny) jokes? One of my favorites, "What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?" Weee!

I know, Cam, that you are with me so much of the time. I can feel it. I guess that's a Mommy thing huh? There are things that you do to show you're with me too. There's the time with the sandals in Florida. And the orbs in so many of our pictures now. I talk to you all of the time. Do you hear me? Is it silly to ask a baby these questions? Will I ever get my answers? 

You were here for such a short time, but in that time, you touched so many people. I have talked to so many parents who have told me stories about how they have become better parents. Others have told me that they are acting differently or taking more chances or doing things differently. Isn't it amazing that you helped make those people better? Isn't it wonderful that you made so much wonderful change in people, some of whom didn't even meet you? 

Have I told you yet that they are able to use one of your heart valves? Last I checked they didn't have a recipient yet but they are going to wait until the perfect little person comes along to use it. Isn't surreal that you might be able to save another baby? I will keep checking to let you know when it happens. 

I'm glad you were able to accomplish so much in your short, precious life, little Camburger. I'm glad we are able to make as many positives out of this as possible, but sometimes it doesn't matter. It will never make up for the fact that you are gone. It will never give me another day with you. I will never get to see another smile. And sometimes, my little angel, it's just not fair. One day we will see each other again. Wait for me, my sweet little boy. 

Love, 

Mommy

The ABC's of Blogging--B

Tonight for the letter B I am blogging about the word bravery.

Bravery:

• One word that people have been using with me lately is brave. I have heard many times, "you are so brave."
• So I've been asking myself, what does that mean? I'm sure many of you can give me your interpretation and I invite you to do so. 
•  I looked up the word online. Having or showing courage. Making a fine show. Splendor or magnificence. The ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty or intimidation.
• Well if that's what you guys mean when you tell me I'm being brave, then sure I guess I'm being brave. 
• Many of you have told me that you don't know if you could do the same in my situation and I hope NONE of you ever has to experience my situation. I would never wish something like this on my worst enemy. I don't have many people I consider to be enemies, but the ones I don't get along, I wouldn't even wish something remotely close to this on them. 
• I have the ability to confront fear, pain, etc. But the truth is, I don't know any other way. I don't know how not to go on. I don't know to not to push through and come out a better person. 
• I'm not sure if that makes me brave, but I hope that my kids will be stronger because of it.
• I hope some of you reading this will make a change in your life. I hope you will try to be a better person. Because the truth is, if I can do it so can you.
• "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." The real truth is I'm scared to death. I'm scared that tomorrow or the day after or the day after that I won't be able to go on anymore. I'm scared that my courage will just dissipate.
• So in closing, my challenge is this: Find one thing you have been too afraid to do and find the courage, be brave and go for it. It turns out tomorrow might not be there like you always expected it would.

I think we've all been pretty brave lately.

The ABC's of Blogging--A

Okay so that title might be a little misleading...I have no specific words of wisdom to give to people who might want to start a blog. I do want to say; however, if you think about doing it and it's something you want to do, then do it. Life's pretty short. Don't wait until tomorrow to do the things you can do today.

What I am really alluding to is a challenge. A challenge for myself and for my readers. I am going to blog about a new word everyday (or as close to everyday as I can) in order for every letter of the alphabet. My challenge for you, my faithful readers, is to add your own spin on my chosen word or to add another word of the same letter with an explanation of why. If you don't want to play, then fine, don't. I would be delighted though to have others play along.

So, when trying to think of my first word for letter A, I had lots of thoughts. But I chose the most important A in my life....ALEXANDER.

Alexander:

• If you don't know my Alexander, then I would suggest you make a point in meeting him.
• He is named after my great great great great grandfather.
• He was born (almost 3 years ago now) on June 3, 2008.
• He was the BEST thing to ever happen to me.
• He has a special spirit--anyone who has ever met him has commented on that.
• He is so intelligent and it's amazing to see the things he does everyday.
• I could tell a million stories about him and it wouldn't be enough.
• I could receive a million kisses from him and it wouldn't be enough.
• Every second I am away from him, my heart aches.
• It's really tough seeing him grow up, but at the same time, it's equally as wonderful watching him grow up.
• He has the kindest spirit.
• He can bring you out of any kind of mood without trying, but just by being himself.
• He has a wonderful sense of humor.
• My life changed the minute I laid eyes on him and I can't wait to see what he has in store for all of us in the future.

Here are a couple of pictures to highlight some of our special times with Alex. (By the way, if you know me, you know that I LOVE pictures and narrowing it down from the thousands we have was a task, but I tried not to be overwhelming.)

Here are a couple of pictures from Alex's point of view:

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  First Time sitting in the cart seat.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Loves making messes, but hates to be dirty.

  
  

  

  Slept through our whole shopping trip.

  
  
  
  

  

  First week, visiting Sweetie and Papa, who have now become VERY important in his life. He told someone just the other day he is Papa's boy.

  
  

  

  One month old.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Here is his two year picture in the chair.

  
  

  

  We got this rocking chair from my grandma and grandpa. It was originally my great-grandma's chair. We love this chair. I started a tradition of taking pictures of Alex in the chair on his birthday to document his growth. I hope to continue the tradition for many years. Here is is one.

  

  I hadn't thought of the chair pictures until he was a bit older, so here is a picture of me holding him in the chair on our first night home.

  

  5 months old

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  LOVES making messes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Shaving with daddy.

  

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there. I have learned things from many of you. Lots of you push me to be a better person and therefore a better mom.

And to my mom....thank you for everything you do for me and for others. You are an amazing person.

And there are just a few of the reasons I am able to continue getting out of bed every morning.

When others say it better

Riley's Hope in Healing program has been very helpful. They send monthly packets with information on grief and such. Sometimes I find the information very helpful. In certain cases, it's nice when someone else can put into words exactly what you are thinking. If you have ever lost someone close to you, this might help you say what you've wanted to say...

Anger:

by Joanetta Hendel

Don't tell me that you understand,

Don't tell me that you know.

Don't tell me that I will survive, 

How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test, 

That I am truly blessed, 

That I am chosen for this task,

Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass

That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment

Of bonds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer, 

Don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But I need you, I need your love,

Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs, 

I need someone to share, 

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

Thank you to everyone is my life who has done just this. Thank you to everyone who has been there to listen and share and love me. Thank you. You know who you are. 

And now one of the thousands (and most important) of reasons I go on each and every day: