My inspiration

So, I guess you could say I'm jumping on the blog bandwagon and creating my own. Actually this is something I've thought about doing for a long time and today I decided I wanted to turn my thoughts into action. I hope to use this blog as a place to post my ideas, thoughts, and creations. My ultimate goal is therapeutic. I feel the more I get my words out, the more healing I am accomplishing. The thing that has made me stop in the past is my fear of putting myself out there and wondering what others will think about my thoughts, my words, me. But I've come to a point in my life where I've realized, I don't care anymore what others think. If you don't like me, my thoughts or my words, then don't read them.


After Cameron died, my whole world changed. Being a therapist, I thought it would be easy to grieve. I thought I would know exactly what to do. I was wrong. I've learned so much about myself on so many levels. Recently, I answered some questions for a friend about my grieving process. I want to share my answers here. I know that through Cam's death, I'm supposed to do something great and if I can teach others something new or help someone, then part of my fate will be realized...

• What are your feelings, attitudes and perceptions in regard to your grief, loss, death and the most recent loss of your son?
• Before this happened to me, I used to think I could handle anything. My whole life people have told me how strong I am and what a wonderful person I am and how they don't know how I do what I do. I took a grief and loss class in the MSW program and I remember not paying much attention throughout the class because I didn't need much of the information to get my "A". I don't think I took much from that class and it frustrates me now because I think it would have helped me on a personal level and also on a professional level.
• After he died, I was in shock. I cried at the hospital and I cried off an on afterwards, but for the most part I was numb. I was able to call and tell people about what happened without so much as a cracking of my voice and people would comment that they didn't know how I was doing it or I was even able to get out of bed or make the phone call to tell them. I went through the funeral acting pretty much the same way. Looking back on that time, the memories are sort of hazy. I think this is and was my brain's way of protecting me. There is something to be said about your subconscious.
• After we came home and I went back to work, I joined a gym and made a scrapbooking room and talked all this hoopla about how I was going to let this event change my life in  a positive way and I was going to be positive and learn lessons from this. I told everyone I was meant to do something with this I just didn't know what yet. People would just look at me and be shocked that I was doing so well or that I was so strong. They couldn't understand how I could keep going on day after day. Then there were the people who told me they were going to pray for me, they wish they knew what to say, this was the worst thing they could imagine and that time would make it better. And I got mad at them. I was frustrated. I was so tired of hearing the same thing over and I wanted to yell at everyone.
• But then I finally realized that everyone deals with grief differently. So, for them it might be they can't get out of bed and function. For me, it was trying to move on and deal with things a bit slower than was "expected" of me. I still had kids to take care of who looked up to me. I also finally deflated. I no longer wanted to do all of the positive things that I had set up for myself. I no longer wanted to make everything into a positive and I let that be okay for me. If something causes me to start crying, then I let it. If something makes me laugh, I stop feeling guilty about it. If I get mad at someone because they have an infant or they are pregnant and it's just not fair, then I process and cope and then I move on.I stopped being frustrated with everyone who said those things too because I came to realize that they meant well and how awkward of a situation this put everyone in. 
• What struggles and issues did you encounter?
• I think I answered some of this in the previous question. My main struggle was how I was supposed to act versus how I was acting and how much I'm allowed to talk about it in front of other people and for how long before I become annoying. I know many of these things I probably shouldn't worry about but that's the kind of person I have always been.
• Being a therapist, I had a difficult time accepting my own grieving process. One of my friends said to me, You know you can't just be sad, have a breakdown and it will be over. This is something that is going to keep coming up and then going away. Once she said that it made me realize she was right. I wanted to be sad, get it over with and move on. The fact that I will be sad off and on for the rest of my life is very difficult to handle and deal with,
• What issues remain unresolved?
• My guilt. Even though it's crazy to have it and I KNOW that I/we didn't do anything wrong, there's always this nagging feeling that we should've/could've done something else...
• What resources have you found helpful in dealing with your grief? What supports/resources would be helpful?
• The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization to help those who have lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They have a facebook page, online support groups as well as local support groups.
• Riley has also been very helpful with things. They held a memorial service which was very nice. They are also doing a support group that we will start next week.
• My friends have been amazing. As well as my co-workers.
• What psychological reactions did you exhibit during this terrible time??
• Shock, anxiety, anger. You name it, I probably had it. My biggest thing has been anxiety though. Things make me anxious like they never did before. I will be ceased with anxiety for what seems like no reason and I have to work hard to keep myself calm.
• How did you adapt/cope?
• I have been talking to lots of my friends and family members to help me through it. I am also taking anxiety meds daily.
• DId you social role change in and/or outside of your family...if so, how?
• I definitely am not as social as I used to be. I find myself not having the energy to be social or interact with people. I have also noticed that some of my friends have become closer and some have kind of drifted away. My family and I are closer than ever. I think it made us realize we have to take what we can when we can and some of the petty stuff just doesn't matter anymore.
• What was/or is the social impact of your grief and loss event on you and other people in your life?? 
• It has changed me completely. I find out more about myself everyday from this one event. I have also put a new spin on lots of things. I have definitely become a different parent. Many things don't bother me as much as they used to. Because I would rather have the kids yelling and screaming than have the unplanned silence I got through this event.
• Lastly, how did your life change??
• My life changed in every way possible. I used to be so certain of so many things and now I'm not certain of anything.

I hope you enjoy reading. Stay tuned for more posts, I promise they won't all be so depressing. :)