Conflicting emotions

I teach feelings to many of the kids I work with. I teach them to understand their feelings, express their feelings appropriately, talk about their feelings, recognize their feelings and learn from their feelings. I work with them on positive release of their emotions and consequences from negative reactions when they become upset. 

I've wondered recently how often I actually practice what I teach. It's like the old saying, I'm talking the the talk but am I walking the walk? The reality when it comes to our emotions is that being appropriate is HARD. Knowing which feelings you feel is difficult. Recognizing not only that you are feeling something specific, but that you are feeling multiple feelings at one time can be a struggle. And if and when you recognize these things, what do you do with that information? Lately, I've been trying so very hard to express the positive and work on the positive and funnel the negative into something positive. But feelings can go so deep and can mean so many different things, sometimes it's not so easy to be so black and white about it.

Recently, I've been exposed to some negativity in my workplace. Some people have had negative attitudes and it's so easy to get wrapped up in it and play into it, but yesterday I stopped and said to myself, "I don't need this. It's not worth my time to be negative too." So my goal for the upcoming week and others to come is to try the best I can to ignore the negativity and be the most positive I can be. 

Another example of all of my conflicting emotions centers around babies. This is probably obvious to most people, but it's perplexing to me how something can feel so good and positive but feel equally hurtful at the same time. I know so many people who are pregnant right now or who have infants. And I love babies! I love holding them, smelling them and kissing them. I love squeezing them, playing with them, making them laugh and seeing them cry. I love everything about babies. I am so overjoyed for everyone in my life who is currently experiencing the happiness and joy of their babies/pregnancies. But sometimes it's HARD. And letting myself realize that it is hard is helpful to me. It's okay to hurt while I take joy in all the little babies around me. It's okay to love on those other babies. But it's okay to miss him too. 

It's okay to grow and love and be happy and sad and frustrated and angry and joyful all at the same time. It's okay not to understand my feelings sometimes too. And this is something I will remember when I'm expecting the kids I work with to talk about their feelings. 

 In March, I got a tattoo for Cam. The Lotus Flower symbolizes unmanifested potential, the heart and coming out of disaster. I felt this represented us perfectly.

 In feel like this is a good picture to symbolize that Cam is always with me, but I can see beyond and even smile sometimes.

Aww. Me and the hubs.

Trial and Error

I am working on perfecting a new project. This is a good way to recycle items as well as be a little different. I have learned how to make bracelets out of pop tabs. Here are some pictures of my first attempt. I think I need to get some different accents to put on the bracelets. The ones I used this time are scrapbooking brads. While they worked, I definitely need to look into different kinds of beads. I would also like to play with the kinds of ribbon as well as the thickness and the color. Any suggestions/comments are always welcome. And please start saving those pop tabs!

Harder than I expected.

One thing about grief: it hits you when you least expect it to. Many days you wake up, feel pretty good or at least semi-ok, you start going about your business, and then WHAM, BAM comes grief and basically knocks you off your feet or punches you in the gut or slaps you upside the face. Then all of a sudden your almost good day turns into a pretty crappy one and you are reminded that this journey once again ebbs and flows. You remember that it is an ongoing, lifelong process and even if you don't want a visit from grief, it comes knocking at your door. It reminds me of that Dixie Chicks song, Hello Mr. Heartache.

So, why the forlorn introduction? Well this past weekend was kind of like that for me. And it hit me when I was least expecting it. I let my guard down and my heart was attacked. For me, Easter has been one of those holidays that hasn't always been a huge celebration. Some years, we celebrate with family members and some years we don't. Sometimes we have egg hunts and baskets, some years not so much. I guess this is why I didn't really prepare myself for a huge reaction. I went to my parents' house for the weekend. On Friday night, my mom and I watched a movie together. In the movie, there is a part when the main character dies and her husband is in the hospital waiting for some kind of news. A doctor comes up to him and does this little head shake/nod thing that says "we did everything we could and it's over. there's nothing more we can do." The scene then cuts to a cemetery. At this point, I "lost it" as they say. It was at this point that I realized he would now be old enough where he could pick up some of his own eggs and he could have had enjoyment out of some of the Eastery celebrations. This is where I consider it to be the more "fun" age. Losing anyone is tough but losing someone so young sometimes seems like it could be more difficult. I feel like I will always be grieving for the loss of him but also for the loss of everything he never got to do or explore or experience. I miss you my little Camburger....

So to end on a positive note. The title of my blog is called Cameron's Creations. I have been trying to use my scrapbooking, and creativity as a therapeutic outlet. I will be selling (hopefully) my creations in a couple of different Farmer's Markets this summer. It is also my intention to take personalized orders. If I ever post something you enjoy and would like to place an order, please let me know by comment or through email at aprilbarnett15@gmail.com. If you see things made by others but you think I could create, let me know and I might be able to make you a version. If you have a vision of something you don't know how to make, let's have a chat and I will do my best to make something for you or your loved ones. I try to keep my prices affordable because mostly I'm not doing this for money, it's more for therapy.

Here are some of things I have done thus far:

 Decorative frame for my wonderful friend Amy and family.

 Magnet board with handcrafted magnets.

 Baby shower invitations.

 Baby shower cupcake invitations.

 Wall hanging.

 Canvas "frame".

 Close up detail on frame.

 First special order. Made for my friend Brittney's kids to give to their papa.

 Birthday card.

 Thank you card.

 Baby's first year book.

 Inside pages.

Full book.

Energy

Many times throughout my life, I have found myself commenting on different things saying, "that's such as waste of energy." Within the last 6 months, I have found this to be more true than ever.

I mean is it really worth it to get all worked up because you woke up 15 minutes late? Yeah, maybe it threw your morning off and it made you out of sorts, but is it worth the energy getting all upset about it? At least you woke up this morning.

So what if the kids are fighting over their toys. Instead of getting irritated and yelling about it, use it as a teachable moment on sharing and include yourself in their play. Show them how to share. Sharing is not habit we're born with.

Shortly after we lost Cam, we were driving somewhere in the car. Nick and Alex were screaming, but not in a fighting way. It was more in a silly fun way. I have to tell you, it was LOUD. Previously, we would have raised our voices and made them quiet down. This time I looked at JR and I told him it's better than the unplanned silence we got before. I'll take this noise anyday over that. He smiled slightly at me and we chose to "grin and bare it".

Is it worth it to get all worked up in traffic when people are driving like idiots? Maybe they have something really important to do or they just received a really important for call and need to get to their family. Or maybe they are just idiots and aren't worth your time and energy. If you yell at them and honk your horn or stick up your middle finger, will it really change the way they are driving?

Yeah, for those of you who know me, these are things I have gotten worked up over and still get worked up over on occasion; however, I find myself getting over it quicker too. I keep asking myself "how do I want to use my energy today?" Honestly, I feel pretty crappy if I spend the whole day being mad and negative.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I know things get tough and things sometimes suck. We get mad, we get hurt, we get annoyed, we get frustrated. All of those feelings are normal. All of those things happen for everyone. Just encourage yourself to process through, feel the negative part, but don't waste any more energy on it than you have to. Then you can use that saved energy in a positive way for the rest of the day, week, etc.

In case you didn't know...

My parents are two of the most wonderful people I know. They give to so many people and do not ask for things in return. They work so hard everyday and yet continue to give so selflessly. Recently, they have spent many days, hours, sweat and even tears on helping us fix up our house. The changes in the house have definitely helped us to feel more positive. There's nothing like something new and shiny to  put a positive feeling into the air. I love what they have done. I probably could never show them how truly grateful I am for everything they do for me, for Matt and for everyone else they help on a regular basis. So next time you get a chance, make sure to take a minute and thank them for all the good they do. It makes a difference to know that the things you do are making a difference.


P.S. Thank you for all of the wonderful comments after my last post. I'm glad to know people are enjoying my writing. 

A picture of our new table, flooring and kitchen wall color.

Painted cabinets and kitchen backsplash.

New living room flooring and wall color.

New patio set up so we can sit outside and enjoy the good weather. Just this evening, I enjoyed the lovely couch while reading my nook.

My very talented mother sewed all of the pillows.

Alex helping sweetie sew.

My inspiration

So, I guess you could say I'm jumping on the blog bandwagon and creating my own. Actually this is something I've thought about doing for a long time and today I decided I wanted to turn my thoughts into action. I hope to use this blog as a place to post my ideas, thoughts, and creations. My ultimate goal is therapeutic. I feel the more I get my words out, the more healing I am accomplishing. The thing that has made me stop in the past is my fear of putting myself out there and wondering what others will think about my thoughts, my words, me. But I've come to a point in my life where I've realized, I don't care anymore what others think. If you don't like me, my thoughts or my words, then don't read them.


After Cameron died, my whole world changed. Being a therapist, I thought it would be easy to grieve. I thought I would know exactly what to do. I was wrong. I've learned so much about myself on so many levels. Recently, I answered some questions for a friend about my grieving process. I want to share my answers here. I know that through Cam's death, I'm supposed to do something great and if I can teach others something new or help someone, then part of my fate will be realized...

• What are your feelings, attitudes and perceptions in regard to your grief, loss, death and the most recent loss of your son?
• Before this happened to me, I used to think I could handle anything. My whole life people have told me how strong I am and what a wonderful person I am and how they don't know how I do what I do. I took a grief and loss class in the MSW program and I remember not paying much attention throughout the class because I didn't need much of the information to get my "A". I don't think I took much from that class and it frustrates me now because I think it would have helped me on a personal level and also on a professional level.
• After he died, I was in shock. I cried at the hospital and I cried off an on afterwards, but for the most part I was numb. I was able to call and tell people about what happened without so much as a cracking of my voice and people would comment that they didn't know how I was doing it or I was even able to get out of bed or make the phone call to tell them. I went through the funeral acting pretty much the same way. Looking back on that time, the memories are sort of hazy. I think this is and was my brain's way of protecting me. There is something to be said about your subconscious.
• After we came home and I went back to work, I joined a gym and made a scrapbooking room and talked all this hoopla about how I was going to let this event change my life in  a positive way and I was going to be positive and learn lessons from this. I told everyone I was meant to do something with this I just didn't know what yet. People would just look at me and be shocked that I was doing so well or that I was so strong. They couldn't understand how I could keep going on day after day. Then there were the people who told me they were going to pray for me, they wish they knew what to say, this was the worst thing they could imagine and that time would make it better. And I got mad at them. I was frustrated. I was so tired of hearing the same thing over and I wanted to yell at everyone.
• But then I finally realized that everyone deals with grief differently. So, for them it might be they can't get out of bed and function. For me, it was trying to move on and deal with things a bit slower than was "expected" of me. I still had kids to take care of who looked up to me. I also finally deflated. I no longer wanted to do all of the positive things that I had set up for myself. I no longer wanted to make everything into a positive and I let that be okay for me. If something causes me to start crying, then I let it. If something makes me laugh, I stop feeling guilty about it. If I get mad at someone because they have an infant or they are pregnant and it's just not fair, then I process and cope and then I move on.I stopped being frustrated with everyone who said those things too because I came to realize that they meant well and how awkward of a situation this put everyone in. 
• What struggles and issues did you encounter?
• I think I answered some of this in the previous question. My main struggle was how I was supposed to act versus how I was acting and how much I'm allowed to talk about it in front of other people and for how long before I become annoying. I know many of these things I probably shouldn't worry about but that's the kind of person I have always been.
• Being a therapist, I had a difficult time accepting my own grieving process. One of my friends said to me, You know you can't just be sad, have a breakdown and it will be over. This is something that is going to keep coming up and then going away. Once she said that it made me realize she was right. I wanted to be sad, get it over with and move on. The fact that I will be sad off and on for the rest of my life is very difficult to handle and deal with,
• What issues remain unresolved?
• My guilt. Even though it's crazy to have it and I KNOW that I/we didn't do anything wrong, there's always this nagging feeling that we should've/could've done something else...
• What resources have you found helpful in dealing with your grief? What supports/resources would be helpful?
• The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization to help those who have lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They have a facebook page, online support groups as well as local support groups.
• Riley has also been very helpful with things. They held a memorial service which was very nice. They are also doing a support group that we will start next week.
• My friends have been amazing. As well as my co-workers.
• What psychological reactions did you exhibit during this terrible time??
• Shock, anxiety, anger. You name it, I probably had it. My biggest thing has been anxiety though. Things make me anxious like they never did before. I will be ceased with anxiety for what seems like no reason and I have to work hard to keep myself calm.
• How did you adapt/cope?
• I have been talking to lots of my friends and family members to help me through it. I am also taking anxiety meds daily.
• DId you social role change in and/or outside of your family...if so, how?
• I definitely am not as social as I used to be. I find myself not having the energy to be social or interact with people. I have also noticed that some of my friends have become closer and some have kind of drifted away. My family and I are closer than ever. I think it made us realize we have to take what we can when we can and some of the petty stuff just doesn't matter anymore.
• What was/or is the social impact of your grief and loss event on you and other people in your life?? 
• It has changed me completely. I find out more about myself everyday from this one event. I have also put a new spin on lots of things. I have definitely become a different parent. Many things don't bother me as much as they used to. Because I would rather have the kids yelling and screaming than have the unplanned silence I got through this event.
• Lastly, how did your life change??
• My life changed in every way possible. I used to be so certain of so many things and now I'm not certain of anything.

I hope you enjoy reading. Stay tuned for more posts, I promise they won't all be so depressing. :)