ABC's--Q

Q is for quiet time.


Most parents look for quiet time.
Most parents are relieved by quiet time.
Most parents don't know what quiet time is. 
Most parents would give up lots of other things for a little quiet time.
Not me.
Quiet time symbolizes something I would rather not think about.
Quiet time is when my brain starts to remember.
Quiet time is when the flashbacks come.
Quiet time is my enemy.
Anything to drown out the memories, anything to drown out the pictures, anything to forget that day, anything except for quiet time.

ABC's--P

P is for Progress

I feel like we've been making progress. Progress in our grief, in our life, in our family, in connecting, in moving on, in preserving (hey another P) our memories and in returning to a new state of normal. Last night JR and I had one of those moments (and I honestly can't remember what even started it) where we were laughing so hard about pretty much nothing and I have to admit it felt good. I had tears, he had tears, I was doubled over, and my belly hurt. He literally fell OFF the bed. It was one of those great moments that brought us a little closer together. For the first time, it wasn't followed immediately by guilt. Guilt for feeling good, guilt for forgetting I'm supposed to be sad. Don't get me wrong, I felt guilty about 10 minutes later, but hey that's progress. :)

The reasons for our progress each and every day!

ABC's--O

O is for Orbs

I want to start this post off with a little disclaimer. Many people might not believe in the things I'm going to say and that's okay. 

Okay, so JR likes to go ghost hunting every now and then. He has a group of people he goes with. One of the people in this group told him that if you see orbs in a picture above a person's  shoulder it means that a loved one is with them. We had never noticed orbs in our pictures before. And going back to look at them, we don't notice them in old pictures. So it really didn't mean much to us. After we lost Cam, orbs starting showing up in our pictures. Almost always over our shoulders, but sometimes just nearby.  So I am going to show some of those pictures in this blog post. You may think it's just dust in the picture or have any number of things you think it is. Think of it what you will and believe what you want, but for us, it brings comfort. I mean, if it were you wouldn't you want something to hold on to as well? Wouldn't you want to think that your loved one was with you? So essentially I guess I'm saying I don't want to debate this. I don't want evidence to the contrary. I just want to share this with my devoted readers. :)

ABC's--N

N is for Nicholas, Nick, Nickaroo, (at one point Alex called him Nee)

Nicholas, ahh, Nicholas. Where do I start? Nicholas officially came into our lives when he was about 2 and a half. We received full custody of him after fighting and driving to Champaign, Illinois for 2 years or more when he was almost 5. He was diagnosed with Autism about a year ago. But his Autism doesn't define him, it simply adds a different layer of challenges to his life as well as to ours.

Nick is most definitely a challenge. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. He is very extreme in his emotions. He is either really excited, really angry, really whiny, really happy, really obsessive or really...well anything. When he feels something, he feels it all of the way. 

Nick is very sensitive to certain people. He feeds off of them. If other kids are hyper, Nick most definitely is going to become hyper. If someone is angry, Nick is probably going to pick up on it. 

Nick has what I call these "moments of clarity" where he says something to make you think, "Oh my gosh, he actually gets it." For example, the other night I got upset and I really yelled at him. I immediately felt horrible, but I was having a rough day and I guess ultimately I took it out on him. I went outside to be alone for awhile and came back in. When I came back in, I was still crying some and he said, "Is mommy sad about Cam?" JR responded with, "Yes, that and other things." Nick said, "Yeah she's upset and she yelled at me. But it's okay. Everything's fine." I mean what eight year old gets that I was upset and took it out on him some?

Nick LOVES cooking and I mean LOVES cooking. He doesn't just love the actual act of cooking, in fact I think he loves the other parts more. He owns about 6 cookbooks of his own. And he carries these cookbooks around with him, reading the recipes. In school, one of his teachers would give him cookbooks during his free time and he would spend the time hand copying all of the recipes. He watches cooking shows. Chopped is one of his favorites. He even loves to play Chopped at home when we let him. This is where he picks or has us pick 4 mystery ingredients and he has to make something. My only rule is, he must eat it or at least eat part of what he makes because I don't want him to learn he can just throw away food after playing with it. He loves to create menus.

Nick has other intense interests also. These vary. Right now they are basketball and beyblades. He's learned to go on the computer and pretend shop for the things he wants. He will sit for hours writing down product numbers and prices and adding up the things he wants. We often get lists with totals.

Nick reads at a very high level. At the end of kindergarten he was reading at a 5th grade level or something like that. He's very into Diary of a Wimpy Kid books right now. He just started reading the Harry Potter series. 

He finished 2nd grade with a certificate for honor roll all year. We are so proud. Especially because he tends to get distracted in school. 

His social skills have come a long way. We've been working very hard on this. So has his school. He's learned a lot in the last couple of years. 

Behaviorally, Nick is all over. He has more good days than bad at this point, but it seems like the bad days are pretty bad and frustrating. Very frustrating. 

All in all though, we love Nick very much and we are lucky to have full custody of him. He helps us grow as parents each and every day.

ABC's--M

M is for Mommy

While my mother is amazing and I think you should know that by now from some of my previous blog entries, this time I'm going to talk about Mommy from the perspective of one and how being a mommy changes your life forever.

Being a mommy is amazing. It's actually pretty indescribable. I know so many mommies out there who agree with me on this one. There is nothing else like it. Being a mommy is a whirlwind of things. It can bring on so many emotions in one day including the greatest love you've ever felt, or the biggest anger you've ever experienced or the deepest sadness you've ever witnessed. You get the highest anxiety you've ever experienced. I mean there's only 300,065 ways a child can get hurt these days. Have you seen those playgrounds lately? They are higher than ever and have more places to get scratched or pinched or tripped etc. I'm joking a little bit, but seriously once you become solely responsible for this little person, things don't look the way they used to. On Memorial day, we went to a little carnival with my parents. The same carnival I went to for years and years and years growing up. The same carnival I had tons of fun on repeatedly. This carnival was so different this year. I mean, the rides now looked like giant monsters just waiting to hurt my kids and the people working the rides all became the enemy because I just knew they didn't have my kids' best interest at heart even though they should have. Obviously I'm exaggerating a little bit, but these are the way I see things these days!

Being a mommy is more than  carrying a child in your womb and birthing it nine months later. That might qualify you as being a biological mother, but to be a mommy you have to give a little more. I almost feel like you have to earn the title of Mommy. 

When you become a mommy, you are no longer first. Your child/ren have now become the center of your world. You think about them from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep and even sometimes your dreams. You worry way more than you ever have. Priorities change and you consider things you never thought you would consider. 

As a mommy, I love kisses and hugs. I love pictures more than I ever did. I mean you have such few moments before you blink and those moments are gone. Then you turn around and your kids are driving cars or graduating high school or something.  I love snuggles (or as we call them in our house cuggles). I love baby feet and peaceful sleeping children. I love watching them learn new things everyday. I love the immensely proud feeling I get when they accomplish something great. I love hearing the "Mommy, mommy when I walk in the house after I've been gone for a bit." I love being created with hugs and kisses everyday. I love getting hugs and kisses before I leave everyday. I love imagination and playing. I love the challenges that being a mommy presents. I love almost everything about it. (I do NOT love whining--in fact if you took whining out of the equation, I could possibly say I love everything). 

Being a mommy is an amazing and wonderful thing. It's something that you're never going to be perfect at but that's okay. Being a mommy is a treasure and I plan to cherish it everyday that I can.

ABC's--L

L is for Listening

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”


“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation”


“A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.”


“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”

Listening is a very complex notion. We hear lots and lots of things but how often do we actually LISTEN to what others are saying? It can be difficult to really and truly listen to others when we have so much going on in our own lives.

This is especially difficult for me as a therapist. This might sound horrible, but sometimes, I don't want to listen to what my clients and their families have to say. Sometimes I want to say, You think those are problems?!!!??? But then I step back and put myself in place. Because in reality who am I to judge what they think are problems or not. Everyone's subjective experience is different than the next.  Plus if I didn't check myself, I would be a pretty horrible therapist. It's good to use my experiences as a building block in my therapeutic approach as long as I don't let it cloud my work. So I will just keep checking myself...

So next time you are listening to someone, make sure you are really listening. Listen to the words they are saying, but also listen to the words they aren't saying. Ask yourself what can I take from this? How can I be a good listener and is there something I can learn?

ABC's--K

K is for Kello. 


John and Amy Kello are some very good friends of ours. When Amy and I first met, it was a weird kind of connection. I felt for some reason that I just needed to be friends with her and hang out with her family. They have four sweet little girls who I love so much. It's exciting for me because I get girl time whenever I need it. 


So what is it that makes John and Amy so special? Well for one, they will do anything to help anyone in any situation. They are loyal, kind, trusting and amazing friends. They will help you out when you need it and will pretty much give you everything including the shirt on your back if you need it.


They are wonderful parents and kind, loving friends. They don't judge anyone and they are passionate about making their kids happy.


But the connection for me goes deeper than all of that. They were among the first people who knew when I was pregnant with Cam and it was almost as if they were as happy as we were. I saw them regularly throughout the pregnancy and they kept up those feelings of excitement. They handed down a ton of baby stuff and helped us out a ton. They came and visited us in the hospital with a gift. The gift was a little newborn sleeper and was so cute. Thank goodness they brought it because we didn't have anything else small enough to fit him. He turned out to be smaller than we had expected. During the short time Cam was here, we had lots of problems with reflux and colic. There were times when we were overwhelmed and Amy and John would take Cam for a couple of hours here and there to give us a break. That helped us so much. Most importantly, though, they were there on Halloween when everything happened. They took Nick and Alex and kept them for the entire day. They took them trick-or-treating and helped them have a semblance of a normal day. They kept calm and acted like everything was normal. 


I am so thankful for ALL of the things they have done. But I am especially thankful for their help on that day. I feel because of them, Alex and Nick will be able to have normal Halloweens again and will be less traumatized in the future. They deserve that and I have two very good friends to thank for that. 


So thank you John and Amy for everything you have done and everything you continue to do.


Now for some pictures from this past weekend with the Kello's.