ABC's--J

J is for jaded.

I try to be positive every day. I try to take something new from everything I do. I try to learn soemthing from everyone I meet. But sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I want to be mad. Sometimes I want to be upset. Sometimes I want to give mean looks. I think this whole thing with Cam has made me jaded and I can't help it.

Now that I've vented, I can go on for the day and keep the more positive side of me forward. :)

ABC's--I

I is for Inspiration.

I look for inspiration everywhere. I try to take inspiration from those around me. I take inspiration from nature. I use books for inspiration. I am inspired by others' dreams and ambitions. Inspiration sometimes finds me when I least expect it to. I am inspired by so many things because I try to be open to new ideas and thoughts everyday. If I'm not, then the world becomes a boring place.

What are your inspirations?

ABC's H

H is for Hope.

• I hope to find some joy no matter how small in each day.
• I hope to find peace with Cam's death one day. 
• I hope that I set positive influences for my children. 
• I hope that my boys grow up to be wonderful young men.
• I hope the sadness continues to ease more each day.
• I hope to make a difference in the world.
• I hope to be able to love myself unconditionally one day.
• I hope to enjoy my passions but not so much that they become work.
• I hope to learn from others.
• I hope to stay around for a long time to watch the new and amazing things my boys do each and every day.
• I hope to see true good in the world.
• I hope to learn that they are able to use Cam's heart valve to save another baby.
• I hope to inspire others to be better.
• I hope to be out of debt one day.
• I hope to continue growing in my career.
• I hope to learn more and more everyday.
• I hope you enjoy each day to the fullest.

ABC's---G

G is for Grief


Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss.


I often take definitions from somewhere on the internet of the words I have chosen for my blog. I do this because I like to compare the "true" definition of the word to my definition of the word. 


So anyway, up there is the definition of grief. The most important thing about this definition for me is that it is truly multi-faceted. I have said many times I can't believe how much grief hurts physically. 


There are some days when the pain of my grief makes me literally drop to my knees or double over. How is this fair? I mean it hurts everywhere else already, why do I have to bear the physical pain also? 


Cognitively, grief sucks any semblance of togetherness you may have. My friends and I often joke about "mommy brain". It's a real thing. Don't knock it. It's like the second you get pregnant and that little bean starts taking all of your nutrients, you lose a large chunk of your previous brain functioning. Well, unfortunately, grieving brain is much worse. You can be talking to someone, or working on something and all of a sudden your brain just stops working. It's so frustrating.


I found this letter on another website written by a mom to her grief. I think it speaks a lot of truth:
Dear Grief,
I guess we are stuck together, you and I. You are my most constant connection to my son. Without you, it is hard to see him. His memory brings you; you bring his memory. In my mind's eye, you and he walk hand in hand.
Some people would say it is time to let you go. But I would rather live with you, and with my memories, than live without both.
In a way, I am grateful to you, Grief. But my son should be holding my hand, not yours. 


Here is my letter to grief.


Dear Grief,
You suck. I shouldn't have to face you every day. Please give me a break.

ABC's--F

F is for Friends

Thank you to all of our amazing friends who have been there for us. Without you, we would not be doing nearly as well as we are. Thank you for all of your support, guidance, help, love , laughs, etc. Thank you thank you thank you.

I've been waiting awhile to use this picture. One of my littlest buddies. Love her!

ABC's--E

E is for Embrace

–verb (used with object

1.to take or clasp in the arms

2. to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.

3. to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity.

I wonder what/who have you embraced today? I hope you can answer that you have embraced may people, and many different things. Last night, on a Friday night, we stayed at home and relaxed. Around 9:30 Alex said that he wanted to go potty. Now, I should probably preface this with saying that potty training is definitely hit or miss at our house. It is also definitely on Alex's terms. If it is our idea, then he wants nothing to do with it. But when he brings it up, we most certainly encourage him to "do his business." So he ran to the bathroom and said "I need to poop" Long story short, we let him sit there for many minutes until...finally...he pooped in the potty. We were so proud. We jumped up and down, we called sweetie and papa and we celebrated. It was at this point that I realized, I've completely and wholly embraced parenthood. I mean who else gets excited about poop? Only those who have embraced this point in their lives.

Here are some other things I like to embrace:

• My family
• hard work
• creativity
• my favorite shows
• color
• style
• laughter
• pictures
• having fun
• my grief
• finding a good deal
• being a good therapist
• feeling good about myself
• playing

So I ask, what/who have you embraced today?

ABC's--D

D is for Daddy

• My dad is such a hard worker
• He can do anything and if he can't, he's going to work really hard at it until he's cussing and then he'll figure it out anyway
• My dad has a wonderful sense of humor. Some of my best memories with my dad are those where we have shared great laughs
• My dad has passed on many of his loves including golf, the Cubs, the Bears, food, being outside with the birds, working hard
• I love when my dad tells me his stories about when I was little. Some of my favorites are about he and I driving together listening to the Cubs. 
• My dad has a wonderful connection with Alex and I wouldn't take that away from either one of them EVER. I love watching them build a bond.
• I love you dad. Thanks for helping make me the person I am today.