Sometimes no matter what you do...

...nothing makes you feel better and life is a black hole. Sorry for the depressing start; however, lately I just miss him so much. I know that's normal, but it's still hard to bear on certain days. Sometimes I want to cry and scream and kick my feet. I want to punch someone or something. I want to yell that it's just not fair. I want to ask "why me?" I want to do all of those things, but I know doing those things will not make me feel better. I think part of it is fear and anticipation. I am so excited to be moving and so excited to be having a fresh start, but deep down a little part of me is hoping we don't lose a little bit of him. The part that makes the orbs in the pictures or the part that talks to Nick sometimes or the part that gives me the warm feeling that he is still here. On the flip side, I will be able to "visit" him at his grave any time I want. So to help me remember, he is always with me no matter where I am,  I am going to share this poem my cousin gave to us at the funeral:

In Your Heart:

Please mommy, don't cry, do not be sad.

Treasure the time however short we had.

I miss you too, but I can feel your love.

Even up here, flying, like a little dove.

I know it seems scary, and you feel all alone. 

No one can ever replace me, I was your own.

Your sadness means I was loved every day.

Though you can't see me, beside you I lay.

It takes so much courage, for you to go on.

I know our time together wasn't very long.

But you now will be stronger for knowing me.

It will be okay some day mommy, you will see.

In the times that are hard, remember I am here.

Never far from you watching, always very near.

It isn't fair we have to live so far away.

But don't worry, I hear everything you say.

I am with you with every step you take.

Sending reminders I love you, for your sake.

I grew in your womb but then slipped away. 

Instead now forever in your heart I will stay.

To go with the same idea, another story to let you know he is always here. In addition to the orbs, we have had other things happen to us off and on throughout the months that are kind of like flukes that put him in the forefront of our brains. 

One of the first notable incidents of this was during our trip to Florida. We were shopping at the outlet mall in Foley, Alabama. At the Old Navy outlet, I bought a pair of sandals. While the clerk was checking me out, I was watching the little screen to make sure everything rang up on sale like it was supposed to. She scanned  a pair of sandals I was purchasing. On the screen, it came up "Cameron". Startled, I thought to myself, "hey little buddy, you're always with me." Then I was made sure I was reading the screen correctly. It definitely said Cameron. I chalked it up to the style of the sandal and left the store a little more alert. I have since been in several Old Navy stores and looked on the website. No where anywhere does it describe that type of sandal as Cameron. That is not the name of the sandal, the name of the style, the name of the color, there is not any Cameron anywhere. Weird? Maybe. Fluke? Probably. Does it leave me comforted? When I need to be. I wear those sandals regularly and when I'm looking for them, everyone knows them as the "Cam sandals"

He punches the ghosts

This is another good one from Nick. He definitely has some great insights. I love how kids think and can just say what's on their mind. :)

Last weekend, we were up north driving from the restaurant to my parents' house. If you are used to that area, you know there aren't many streetlights and there are tons of trees so it can seem pretty dark at night. An observation that Alex has picked up on as you can tell from the following conversation I had with Nick and Alex in the car:

Alex: Mommy, it's dark outside.

Me: Yes, I know, but it's okay.

Alex: I'm scared of the dark.

Me: Alex, honey, there's nothing to be scared of. Mommy is here with you and we are in the car. 

Alex: No, I'm scared of the ghosts.

Me: Honey, there's no ghosts sweetie, it's okay. You don't have to be scared.

Nick: Don't worry Alex, Cameron punches the ghosts. He's our Angel.

Me: That's right guys. There's nothing to worry about. (Said with tears in my eyes.)

As a follow up, this information must have stayed with Alex because a few nights later, he was nervous about going to bed and I heard him tell himself, "It's okay, Cam punches the ghosts." We didn't have anymore problems from him for the night.

His birthdays are really fast.

Two weeks ago, I was picking up Nick from a 3 week long visit with his grandfather. The ride back from getting him is about 45 minutes. These minutes tend to give us some quality chat time when Nick is int he mood. Throughout the trip Nick would randomly exclaim, "I missed you so much." "I'm so happy." During the second round of I'm so happy, I asked him, "What are you happy about this time?" This is how our conversation went after I asked him,


Nick: "I get to see Alex and Cameron"
Me: "Cameron?"
Nick: "Yeah, I talk to him in the sky."
Me: "You do?"
Nick: "Yeah, he's bigger now."
Me: "You know his birthday was last Friday"
Nick: "Yeah, his birthdays are fast now. He's bigger, like 4 or 5."
Me: "They are? So do you talk to him when you are at home at our house?"
Nick: "Yeah, something like that."


And with that, he was done with the conversation. And honestly, I was pretty silenced.

ABC's--Z

Z is for Zen

I"m not sure I ever actually enter into a meditative state; however, there are things in my life that help me find peace. I think finding peace, serenity, relaxation, zen, whatever form it may be is important. All the time throughout grad school and in trainings, conferences and meetings, people are always talking about taking time for yourself, and making sure you de-stress so it doesn't get too overwhelming and you can be a great therapist or a great whatever it is you do. For a long time I didn't put much stock into those suggestions. I kind of brushed it off. I never saw the importance in what people were telling me. At some point, maybe I matured or something else, I realized it's okay to relax, de-stress and feel good about yourself. 

So I am mandating that you find your zen, relaxation or peace whether you are a stay at home, a therapist, behaviorist, nurse, doctor, teacher, retail worker, restaurant worker, or whatever it is you do...FIND SOME TIME FOR YOU. You can only be the best you if you are taking care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to everyone around you. 

ABC's-Y

Y is for Yes!

Yes, I finally did it. You all asked for it and here it is. I've created a business page on Facebook. If you look over to the right on this blog, you can like my page on Facebook. I'm excited to have fans to even if my stuff isn't your style, like it anyways and maybe you know someone who is a fan of my stuff and it is their style. My mom has joined forces with me and is now a part of Cam's Creations. She uses sewing as her creative/therapeutic outlet and makes AWESOME pillows. There will be pillows on the website too. Soon will be our own website and/or etsy website. I'm taking it step by step and this point. So hang in there as you have done all along thus far. :) Feedback is much appreciated.

One of my main goals to offer personal preferences. So although, you will be able to purchase a lot of what you see, you will also be able to request special colors, styles etc. Let me know what you think. I am very excited!

ABC's--X

X is for X-ray.

Cop-out? Maybe, but I'd like you to come up with an X word that fits into my semi-theme.

If there were a special X-ray on my brain, what thoughts would it pick up?

1. Currently I'm extremely frazzled about moving. This is only because we have tons to do before we go and it's hard to prioritize. I think anyone who is in the process of moving feels this way.
2. The love your children is something so indescribable, it's amazes me more every day. There are days when I can watch the boys do something and I literally fill like my heart is growing because whatever it is they are doing at the time makes me so proud.
3. Cameron. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him.
4. Grief and some stage of the process. Whoever said time makes it easier was a big fat liar.
5. Sometimes it's okay to be immature and say things like big fat liar.
6. I need to learn to put my needs first. Something everyone has been telling me to do pretty much my whole life but something I'm just now figuring out.
7. Even though I'm creative and I love making things, sometimes I get over-inspired and frazzled because I have too many ideas in my head at one time. During these moments, I often have to walk away.
8. Life is a puzzle and it's exhausting trying to solve it.

ABC's--W-redo

Apparently I have some critics uh I mean readers out there who were not so happy with my W post. They actually told me that my previous W post was a cop out and didn't actually count. So, since I like to try to make others happy, I am re-doing W.

W is for whispers, wishes and wondering and waiting.

Often, I find myself wishing to hear a whisper in the wind letting me know that my little one is out there with me. That he still exists in some form and that he's watching me. I tend to wonder what he would be like now. I wish that things could be different. I wonder what I ever did to deserve this. I whisper to him in the dark hoping he hears all the wonderful things I have to say to him. I wait to find my purpose. I wonder about going on and wish for the strength to keep positive and continue on daily. I wait for my inspiration and wish for others to learn from my experiences. I whisper my "I love yous" to my family so I have no regrets. I wonder what our future will hold and hold out hope that our wishes can come true. I wait for sanity because some days it's all I can wish for.