Scammed?

http://scrippsnews.com/content/parents-cant-prevent-theft-dead-childrens-id

We got a letter from the IRS today saying that someone else tried to claim one of our dependents on their tax return. This issue had come up around the time we had filed our return; however, we kind of assumed it was Nick's mom because of the negative history we had with her. Never did I figure it would be someone stealing the identity of our dead baby and exploiting his death for their own personal gain. I guess this makes me naive. I don't know. We don't have enough to deal with, worry about, remind us, struggle with? The above article discusses some of the challenges that exist currently. There are some more recent articles about some things Congress is trying to do. But in the meantime, on a personal level, we have to spend the time proving to the IRS that we had the right to claim Cam on our taxes. Really? Because that's how I want to spend my time...

Nick's Journal Prompt

Everyday at school, Nick's class has journaling prompts. One day, the prompt was lost. Here is Nick's response (typed exactly as he wrote it):

When I lost Camren I was sad when he died in his cradl. A few seconds later I heard my mom crying and I saw a police man stand in front of them. He got buried him in the dirt but he was still alive he was in the clouds. he was our little angel and I have a bracelet says our little angel cameron.

The three year old brain

Cam has been on our brains. All of our brains. More than usual I think. But this is understandable since we are very quickly approaching the anniversary date of losing Cam. I always hated using the word anniversary for a death because I like to think of anniversaries as being happy occasions. But for lack of a better word, that's what I'm using today.

Cam has been on our brains and this is how I know: JR and I have been having major waves of sadness. Alex talks about him whenever something happens related to babies, someone having a baby or when he sees a baby. Nick has been talking about him too.

When Alex sees a pregnant woman or a baby on tv or in person he often says, "My mommy has a baby. His name is Cam." Or "We have a baby Cam." I often find myself amazed by his memory of Cam. We don't shy away from the topic around here but we don't make it the center of our conversations most days either. Alex often seems to sense when we need a pick me up or when the tone of the room is kind of sad and we need a hug or cuddle. That's a lot of pressure he seems to have put on himself.

Typically when he brings Cam up, we have a conversation about Cam being gone and how he's now our angel. I often tell Alex that he can talk to Cam whenever he needs to and Cam will hear him. I tend to ask myself if he knows what I'm saying or my mom and I will have conversations about whether or not he understands what we are saying.

Then last night, he and I were laying in bed watching tv and on the show, there was a pregnant woman. He put his Taggie up his shirt and said, "Mommy, I have a baby." I said something to effect, "aww, that's sweet" and kept watching. A little bit later, he looked straight at me (and let me know exactly how much he gets) and said, "Mommy, I want Cam back." Me too sweetheart, me too.

September!

In the past month, so many things have happened:

• We moved to another state
• We got all settled in at our new house
• JR got a new job
• Nick started a new school
• Nick put his hand through a glass pane on the classroom door and got five stitches
• Nick joined choir at a community church by his school
• I got a new job
• I had a two day break down and some reflection time from missing Cam
• I lost 12 pounds
• I learned to sew pillows

And many other little things. We are super happy with our move and feel content. We miss our Indy peeps but have lots of visits planned out for the next month. Happy September!

He says it's okay.

As many of you avid readers know, in the beginning of September, we moved to Michigan. During my previous  post, I spent some time spelling out my fears for this move. Most of them centered around Cam. I was worried that moving might leave a part of him behind and we might no longer feel the connection we have had to him. The Wednesday before we moved, my mom and JR came to the house to sign the lease so JR could enroll Nick in school that day. I was interviewing for a job during this time. After signing the lease, JR and my mom came out to the house and walked through it one more time. We had previously walked through the house a couple of different times; however, we had never checked out the shed. JR went into the shed to check it out and see the space, etc. In the shed, JR discovered many shelves. Along one of the top shelves, he saw something kind of sticking out. He reached up to see what was up there and it happened to be a porcelain angel figurine. The only thing left in the shed besides some paint cans was the angel. I guess Cam says it's okay. He's still here and he approves of the move.

Sometimes no matter what you do...

...nothing makes you feel better and life is a black hole. Sorry for the depressing start; however, lately I just miss him so much. I know that's normal, but it's still hard to bear on certain days. Sometimes I want to cry and scream and kick my feet. I want to punch someone or something. I want to yell that it's just not fair. I want to ask "why me?" I want to do all of those things, but I know doing those things will not make me feel better. I think part of it is fear and anticipation. I am so excited to be moving and so excited to be having a fresh start, but deep down a little part of me is hoping we don't lose a little bit of him. The part that makes the orbs in the pictures or the part that talks to Nick sometimes or the part that gives me the warm feeling that he is still here. On the flip side, I will be able to "visit" him at his grave any time I want. So to help me remember, he is always with me no matter where I am,  I am going to share this poem my cousin gave to us at the funeral:

In Your Heart:

Please mommy, don't cry, do not be sad.

Treasure the time however short we had.

I miss you too, but I can feel your love.

Even up here, flying, like a little dove.

I know it seems scary, and you feel all alone. 

No one can ever replace me, I was your own.

Your sadness means I was loved every day.

Though you can't see me, beside you I lay.

It takes so much courage, for you to go on.

I know our time together wasn't very long.

But you now will be stronger for knowing me.

It will be okay some day mommy, you will see.

In the times that are hard, remember I am here.

Never far from you watching, always very near.

It isn't fair we have to live so far away.

But don't worry, I hear everything you say.

I am with you with every step you take.

Sending reminders I love you, for your sake.

I grew in your womb but then slipped away. 

Instead now forever in your heart I will stay.

To go with the same idea, another story to let you know he is always here. In addition to the orbs, we have had other things happen to us off and on throughout the months that are kind of like flukes that put him in the forefront of our brains. 

One of the first notable incidents of this was during our trip to Florida. We were shopping at the outlet mall in Foley, Alabama. At the Old Navy outlet, I bought a pair of sandals. While the clerk was checking me out, I was watching the little screen to make sure everything rang up on sale like it was supposed to. She scanned  a pair of sandals I was purchasing. On the screen, it came up "Cameron". Startled, I thought to myself, "hey little buddy, you're always with me." Then I was made sure I was reading the screen correctly. It definitely said Cameron. I chalked it up to the style of the sandal and left the store a little more alert. I have since been in several Old Navy stores and looked on the website. No where anywhere does it describe that type of sandal as Cameron. That is not the name of the sandal, the name of the style, the name of the color, there is not any Cameron anywhere. Weird? Maybe. Fluke? Probably. Does it leave me comforted? When I need to be. I wear those sandals regularly and when I'm looking for them, everyone knows them as the "Cam sandals"

He punches the ghosts

This is another good one from Nick. He definitely has some great insights. I love how kids think and can just say what's on their mind. :)

Last weekend, we were up north driving from the restaurant to my parents' house. If you are used to that area, you know there aren't many streetlights and there are tons of trees so it can seem pretty dark at night. An observation that Alex has picked up on as you can tell from the following conversation I had with Nick and Alex in the car:

Alex: Mommy, it's dark outside.

Me: Yes, I know, but it's okay.

Alex: I'm scared of the dark.

Me: Alex, honey, there's nothing to be scared of. Mommy is here with you and we are in the car. 

Alex: No, I'm scared of the ghosts.

Me: Honey, there's no ghosts sweetie, it's okay. You don't have to be scared.

Nick: Don't worry Alex, Cameron punches the ghosts. He's our Angel.

Me: That's right guys. There's nothing to worry about. (Said with tears in my eyes.)

As a follow up, this information must have stayed with Alex because a few nights later, he was nervous about going to bed and I heard him tell himself, "It's okay, Cam punches the ghosts." We didn't have anymore problems from him for the night.